“I was in an abusive relationship, afraid to sleep because I thought my husband would kill me. I was plagued by depression and anxiety. I couldn’t handle it any more. I spent three months at the Army shelter where we learned about abuse. At one point we were given a paper with many different forms of abuse on it. I was shocked to realize that I had experienced every single one of them. Until then I wasn’t even sure if I was the victim of abuse because I had never had a broken bone or lip. I was always pushed around and controlled, but I just thought it was a normal part of the husband/wife relationship.

I spent my life protecting my children (daughter, 13 and son, 10). They were the reason I decided to leave because they were abused too. I remember my daughter being 3 years old, looking out the window and asking me: “Can you find a good daddy for me?”

I used to think my ex-husband was a good person, but when I was with him he always told me I was a nobody. With him I was just a shadow and a servant – always trying to keep the peace, but it was never enough.

At first we were very afraid to go to the shelter because we didn’t know what to expect. We felt scared, frustrated and hopeless. The Salvation Army helped me to stand up, restore my self-esteem and get a positive attitude. They helped me find an affordable apartment, resources, legal help and support groups.

Now my kids are doing well. They are both straight A students and happy to be without their father. He told me I ruined the family by leaving, so his only goal was to kill me. I was always on edge. We’re much more relaxed since finding out he has left the country.

I am really grateful for The Salvation Army. They saved our lives. They do nice things out of their hearts. They’re always there to help and regardless of when their shift ends they would never say, “I have to leave, my shift is over.” It’s nice to have somebody look at you as a person because, besides my kids, I don’t have family here, so the shelter became like family to us. They became our safety net.”

Twenty years of tending bruises, drying tears and somehow finding hope in the midst of fear and emotional, physical and spiritual trauma. Arlene Peterson, assistant to the Executive Director of The Salvation Army’s Kate Booth House in Vancouver, has a job few of us would take, but you can’t take her away from it.

Peterson is a central figure in the lives of beaten and broken women as they finally stage their great escape. Sometimes these hurting women flee for their lives; sometimes they just can’t take another thrashing. Whatever the cause, escaping home, often with children as fellow escapees, is tough and Peterson helps ensure these vulnerable people are tended to as best as possible. “Time and time again I’ve seen women come here feeling hopeless, scared and trapped,” says Peterson, who will not allow use of her photo because staff have been threatened in the past by abandoned spouses. “But after 30 days, seeing the women leave with a smile, relaxed and confident… that’s the reward.”

In the small, family atmosphere of Kate Booth House, Peterson and other staff build relationships that help women and child recover from the initial trauma. Then they start planning a new life, one with less fear and hurt. Staff give women the tools and support they need to take control and feel empowered.

Sometimes the tears aren’t just in the eyes of the clients. Peterson bitterly remembers that two women who had sought refuge at Kate Booth House were subsequently murdered after they left. But it’s the stories of hope that keep alive the passion to help. Recently Peterson was on a public commuter train in Vancouver and recognized a well-dressed businesswoman standing nearby. She was a former client of Kate Booth House. The woman gave Peterson a big hug and said: “You should know what a difference you’ve made in my life.” This professional was a complete change from the desperate woman who had collapsed in Peterson’s arms 15 years earlier, escaping an abusive home and not seeing any real hope in her future.

Peterson believes working with victims of family violence is what she – and The Salvation Army – should be doing. “They have nowhere else to turn and that’s the Army’s mandate – to help those in need.”

At The Salvation Army we spend our lives in the shadows because that’s where we find our people. Women haunted by fear, men stalked by the demons of addiction and children with eyes dulled by hunger and neglect.

Welcome to our world. For the first few weeks in December we are highlighting some of the tough issues we deal with every day. We want you to meet our friends and neighbours. We want you to know how you can help us bring the warmth and joy of the season to thousands of Canada’s forgotten.

Why are we doing this? Because we believe everyone deserves a Christmas.

For many Canadian women nightmares don’t stop in the morning. Instead they are specters that haunt the day and night. They threaten. They’re fearful. Worst of all, they’re real. The nightmare is usually a spouse – married or common-law – and the effects of the violence can last a lifetime.

Family violence or domestic violence are more inclusive terms than the old phrase “wife abuse”. The new terminology acknowledges that while a spouse may bear the brunt of the cruelty inflicted by a partner, other members of the household, usually children, are also impacted. But whatever it’s called unfortunately, it’s not rare.

Accordingly to the 2004 General Social Survey 7% of Canadian women (age 15+) have experienced spousal violence in the last five years. More than twice as many women have been stalked in a way that made them fear for their lives. And as alarming as these numbers are, they are only a portion of the total. According to the same survey only 27% of spousal abuse victims report to the police and only one-third ever turn to an agency for help.

And the maltreatment they suffer isn’t minor. Many abused women report sexual assault, being beaten, choked, threatened with a gun or knife, or they have had these weapons used against them.

Despite survey results indicating that this is a significant social problem most of us still imagine it only affects other people, not people like us.But the risk factors for family violence are not unusual. Factors that increase the likelihood of spousal violence include: females under 25, common-law relationships versus marriage, those in a relationship less than three years and where the abuser is a heavy drinker. Aboriginal women are three times more likely to be victims of spousal abuse. And other factors like social status, education and whether you live in the city or countryside don’t impact on the sad reality that many women live lives of fear.

So why don’t they get out, leave the guy behind and start all over again? It’s not nearly as easy as it sounds. Accordingly to Marilyn Field, Executive Director of The Salvation Army’s Honeychurch Family Life Resource Centre (FLRC) in Brampton, Ontario many women are afraid to stay at home but equally afraid to leave. “They walk away from a home, from financial resources and into what?” The courage needed to step out with no clear idea of where to live, where to get cash to buy food and clothing and how to keep the kids in school is hard to come by.

Linda Scally, Director of the short-term shelter at The Salvation Army’s L’Abri d’Espoir in Montreal says escaping women also have to deal with old prejudices. “There are still stereotypes in society that women were looking for the abuse, or they deserved it or that it can’t be really that bad if they stayed in the home.”

When some do flee quickly for their lives or make a decision to risk it and leave many turn up at shelters like those run by the Army. For Ann (who asked that her surname be kept confidential) it took three emergency visits to the FLRC, with her children, to finally break free of the abuse at home and start building a new life. “At Honeychurch they just get it. It’s very comforting because at those times when you’re getting away, and you feel like you’re losing your mind, it’s so good to have people who just get it.” Today, although it’s been four years since Ann left FLRC for good, she still attends the Monday evening support group called Reclaiming your Life.

Every year hundreds of women and children, like Ann, seek shelter at a Salvation Army facility. Although L’Abri d’Espoir in Montreal is not specifically set-up as a refuge for victims of family violence, Scally estimates that 60% of the women in the shelter are coming from situations of domestic violence.

Once in a shelter like Kate Booth House or Honeychurch women stay for six to eight weeks. Moms and children are assigned individual counselors and workshops and help is given on legal issues, job and life skill training, and appointments with government agencies to arrange social assistance and housing. “We offer a support system,” says Major Marjory Peddle at Kate Booth House. “And help them take control of their lives.”

For the children, bringing them a sense of joy and routine is encouraged by their counselors, but the initial task is to listen. “My kids were treated like people,” says Ann, who sought shelter at Honeychurch three times. “They were treated like they were worthy, like they count. They had workers who would get down on their level and tell them: ‘I want to hear you. It’s not your fault. I understand.’”

The Army family violence facilities are, unfortunately, always in demand. “We are a crisis centre that operates 24 hours a day,” says Peddle. Kate Booth House in Vancouver has outgrown its location in the 20 years since it started and in the spring a larger facility, twice as large, will open. At Honeychurch the facility can accommodate 18 women and up to 50 children – it’s always full. “We believe that the family is the cornerstone of society so we have to work as agents of healing for the family,” says Nancy Turley, the Army’s Territorial Abuse Advisor. Women like Ann are grateful the Army was there: “I can’t sing enough praises for The Salvation Army. Honest to God we wouldn’t be here and we wouldn’t be doing so well without them.”